Jonas and I recently had a major disagreement. We both have strong opinions about the superior potato: plain old mashed potatoes versus sweet. I won’t reveal the inferior potato, but as a traditionalist, I feel like I won this argument. Luckily we both agree on favorite pie. If you’ve never been wow’ed by Pecan Pie, then you haven’t had a good one yet.
photo and pie by Bev (recipe Bev’s mom)
We can all think of uncomfortable times around the dining room table, Thanksgiving or otherwise, when someone brought up a controversial take on a political or health topic that has the potential to spark a debate/fight/throw-down/food fight. When we have a disagreement we want to win the argument! When thinking back to Thanksgivings past, I had several examples immediately come up. I’m sure you’re thinking of a good example right now, too. Vaccinations, masking, racism, abortion, Duke versus UNC… The list is really endless of divisive topics in our current cultural landscape. What is the best way to approach these discussions?
We sought out an expert help in how to have these controversial conversations and bring some peace and harmony back to family gatherings. We were lucky to have a wonderful conversation with Professor Dr. Tania Israel, a communication expert and psychologist. Dr. Israel is the author of Beyond Your Bubble: How to Connect Across the Political Divide and Facing the Fracture: How to Navigate the Challenges of Living in a Divided Nation. She is an expert in how to have conversations about politically divisive topics with those you know and love. This episode is the Butterball hotline for civil family holiday discourse.
We learned a ton from this conversation and wanted to pass along a recipe for success from the episode.
Outlawed’s Thanksgiving Recipe for Civil Discourse (after the main course, of course)
1 cup of curiosity (When you disagree deeply with someone, the best way to approach the discussion is through listening. Tania recommends reflective listening, ie listening not to respond, but listening like you’re preparing for a pop quiz about what they have to say. Ask questions to understand their perspective and how they developed their views.)
A pinch of perspective (Help them understand what motivates you to connect and discuss this topic. Why is this conversation important to you?)
A tablespoon of trust (When trust is established in the conversation, people will more likely share their authentic feelings and views. A trusting relationship will also allow you to reflect back what they are sharing. Reflecting back and validating emotions does not mean you agree with their views, but that you seek genuine understanding. As Tania says: ““we can validate people in that way and make a connection with them without validating the information that they’re sharing”)
Chop your biases out of the discussion! Tania describes cognitive biases as “flaws in our operating systems” and they can falsely impact how we perceive the world. Being aware of our biases can help us avoid letting them take the wheel.
This dish is best served one-on-one — Marinate on your thoughts while going for a walk - away from the crowds at the table. You don’t need an audience to have an authentic conversation.
Check out this week’s episode to hear a more in-depth discussion about these conversation tips and learn from Dr. Israel’s wisdom. And have a wonderful Thanksgiving!
Some other resources from this week’s show that you should check out:
Debating facts? Check out www.allsides.com
Link to learn more about the Bridging Movement: listenfirstproject.org -- sign up for their Listen First newsletter!
Take the pronunciation quiz here: https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2014/upshot/dialect-quiz-map.html
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Happy Thanksgiving from the Outlawed team!
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